Unconfirmed information from an unreliable source says that Pres. Trump has been impressed by the amount of volunteer relief assistance given by private individuals and companies in Texas. It was brought to his attention that not only citizens individually using their boats have rescued people but that business entities such as furniture stores have open their doors to refugees and donated things like blankets and mattresses. Other individuals and businesses have opened their doors to provide emergency quarters for flood victims. Impressed with this, Pres. Trump has been heard to say:" as you know I am not only the president of the United States but I am a billionaire. I have made many billions of dollars because of the very very incredible and fantastic deals I have made over my career. I can tell you that they are the most fantastic, incredible deals I have ever seen. You can see that for yourself by looking at my tax returns, I mean my financial statements, Tax returns are irrelevant. Because I have billions of dollars I want to participate as a private individual in this effort to provide relief for these victims. Accordingly, I am going to open up as relief centers all of my golf resorts, including Mal de Mer in Florida. I have asked for those who have booked reservations to cancel them and am requesting current occupants to cut short their stays. I have also asked my son Donald, who runs my businesses about which I know nothing other than that they're making a lot of money, to make an infusion of $100 million into the Trump foundation to be used for flood relief at the discretion of local authorities. I know that sounds like a lot of money but I'm a billionaire and I can afford it. Somebody told me that my new hotel in Washington DC is making money hand over fist and that the Trump White House boutique is doing well. I am going to provide my private fleet of planes and helicopters, the ones that say TRUMP in huge letters to fly flood victims to my resorts."
"I have instructed all federal agencies to provide whatever help and assistance as needed for the flood victims. I am also announcing this afternoon my new tax reform programs, without any detail of course, that will sharply reduce the amount of taxes paid by our citizens and companies, and revenues received by our government. I am told that somehow this all works and that it will be huge, leading to at least 7% per annum GDP growth. The details of this will be provided by somebody sometime. With all due modesty, I have already been told that might administration under my guidance has made the greatest emergency relief and rescue program ever. This will come as no surprise to those who have witnessed the incredible accomplishments of my administration under my clothes and careful management."
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