Today Don Trumpaloni announced he had appointed a new Consigliari, Anthony Scaramucci. I am at war the Don said. I am at war with the media, The press, The Justice Department, The special counsel, The Democrats, many republican members of Congress and all those who are obsessed with factual accuracy. Accordingly, I needed a wartime Consigliari. Sean Spicer, notwithstanding his obsequious loyalty, was simply not up to the job. There appears to be some evidence that members of my administration have been consorting and conspiring with the Barzini wing of the Republican Party. There are also attacks being made against my son "Sonny" Trumpaloni. This I do not forgive. For safety, I am sending my other son to Las Vegas to run the casino for his safety.
Because I am now on a wartime footing, I will no longer be personally holding White house briefings which I don't do anyway. Scaramucci will be in charge of communicating warnings to my enemies. My patience has been sorely tried. I will be signing a series of Orders aimed at controlling and eliminating this nest of vipers that has been unfairly attacking me.
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